Dennis is coming home this evening so I'm guessing the volume of blog posts is going to go down a little. He's going to be really tired and probably grumpy but I'm excited- now I have someone to talk too! and someone who can drive me to the store when I run out of diet coke or cold medicine! I can't wait to give him a big hug!! (And I've missed my mp3 player and my digital camera!!)
He argued with me over the phone for hours last night because I let some girls drive (I can't drive) our car to the overnight retreat that I just got back from. I know why he was annoyed and angry but in the end, it was one of those arguments that is kind of petty and the only reason why he is fighting is because he's tired and stressed and I'm the only one he can be angry and stressed out with.
I've decided that this comes with my job description as a wife though- really. I prayed about it a lot last night and decided that part of loving my neighbor (in this case my husband), is being able to "drink his cup" and sit with him when he's going through some really amazingly rough times. He's got this really challenging MBA program in English, he's doing all of it on his own time and own money when most of his classmates are being supported by their company, he hates his job, he's exhausted, he's far from home, and to top it off, his brother just might be dying.
It's something we haven't discussed. But if someone who has cancer that has spread so quickly, has pretty much decided that he doesn't want to continue treatment, there is a)a miracle or b)he's dying. I'm not trying to put limits on God but I am a realist. I am praying right now that Pancho's quality of life while he is alive, is good and that he finds peace and goes through it surrounded by family and friends who love him.
So, it makes sense that Dennis would project all of this incredible crappy life-situation stuff onto me. It sucks and I'm not saying I'm not going to stick up for myself. But maybe I won't take it so personally. And I'm trying to do little things so that he knows that I am here for him. And if he doesn't have the spiritual energy to pray, part of my "job" as his wife, is to pray for him and to be confident that God hears the desires of our hearts- both of our hearts. I've been thinking today- "What about people who get better who don't pray? Why is prayer so important?" I'm not saying "pray for dennis and pray for Pancho because if you pray, Pancho will magically get better". Jesus is not magic. I don't even know how to answer the question "why pray"- it's just something that makes me as a person feel better.
I guess I'm praying in this blog post too that I will be compassionate for Dennis- he doesn't need psychology or analysis of why his brother is refusing treatment, or a big discussion on how much life sucks. He just needs me to be there to listen and maybe try a bit harder to not complain about house chores as much or maybe to be a little less grouchy myself. I'm not making any promises because I'm pretty selfish, but I would like to think that I'm at least trying to be sensitive.
And I'm writing all of this out right now, too, because the internet is going to be "down" Sunday and Monday. But by Tuesday-ish, I'd like to think I'll have some flickr photos up ;)