Actually, I think I am doing okay as far as mentally not going insane. We went to dinner and a movie tonight and while I could have avoided the bread on the table, I did eat an otherwise healthy meal.
But then I started having some anxiety at night because I worry so much about how I'm not doing enough or I'm not trying enough to do everything that I think I should do (I am my worst critic)- I eat too much, I don't exercise, and so all of this weight loss progress--- my biggest fear is that I have made sooo much wonderful progress this year, changing how I eat and just how I treat my body, and I am really proud of myself. And doubt just has to get in the way, doesn't it?
So I did what is actually not that healthy at all. I went online, bought some cute clothes on sale at Urban Outfitters and then decided to change my ringtone and wallpaper on my cell phone. I promised myself the last time that I did that, that I wouldn't do it again.So I'm saying out loud that I will not go back to my cell phone to buy graphics and ringtones. It's a momentary fix but it doesn't make me feel any better. Just a bit guilty about spending money.
I guess what I mean to say is that I kind of need to stop beating myself up. And I need to seriously, buy a word search puzzle book or something because me with a credit card and things associated with shopping therapy, could potentially be destructive. God Bless my husband for being patient and gracious with me (and for being soo sweet tonight, making sure to compliment me on my looks, etc.) (Seriously, I am doing really well so why the sudden feeling of failure??)
I'm just frustrated and so I have decided that the best way to justify (kind of, or at least rationalize) "shopping therapy" is to write it all out, recognize that it wasn't the healthiest way of coping, and move on. The good news- school finishes this next week so I have plenty of time to focus on myself instead of on school.
(I bought Shakira's Tortura and Hoobastank's The Reason. And a really cute graphic that says "peas on earth". Not bad choices....)
So pray for me that I can stop being so hard on myself!!!
The movie we saw tonight was American Dreamz- it probably is not a movie that a lot of people would not find very funny at all. But Hugh Grant is deliciously evil in it, rivaling the deliciously evil (and so fun to watch) character he played in bridget jones...