Sunday, February 18, 2007

bizarro day...

Today was truly a bizarrre day. 3 "r"s are not enough.
I actually woke up early. Before noon. And went to the gym, made an appointment to do our taxes, and talked (called back) the guy who I got in the accident with. He kind of doesn't seem to care when we "take care" of the damages and said I could get back to him "whenever... in the evening is best..."

I have been thinking alot about a quote that I found blogsurfing, about forgiveness, by C.S. Lewis. It happened to be, on of all places, a blog politically my opposite.

"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."
What the hell does that mean to me? (I know what it means but it is absolutely so difficult to put into practice.) Today, Dennis's ex-wife emailed him to ask for money. She added in her email that Dennis has it easy as a father, that he only thinks of himself "still in school" and only calling the girls (as if he could just hire a private jet and fly over to visit Chile on the weekends...) It's ridiculous- we send more than the required amount, he talks to the girls at least once a week (and that's a lot as they ARE teenagers!), and he's doing the best he can considering she's got full custody and he's in another country!

It just drives me mad. Dennis is a good father and everything that he does is with his family in mind. He's getting his MBA so that he can make money so that he can get a good job to give the girls good lives. And it's not like he's playing missionary or not even trying- we go over and beyond, sending cards and packages and trying to be as much apart of their lives as possible. They live well, they have everything they need, and they even live in a reasonable home with their own rooms and a computer and safety and food- Dennis's sister's kids live worse! Hell, I lived worse! She has no idea what it's really like to have a real "dead-beat" dad. I love my Dad to death but he never sent us cards for birthdays or Christmas let alone the full amount of child support or anything extra. He's been a perpetual teenager my entire life and he's going to end up spending the rest of his life perpetually stoned. So I guess it hurts that Ninoska wants to have a little bit of extra spending money so that she can take the girls on a holiday to Mendoza, Argentina. She acts like she should be on public welfare, like they are living on crumbs, and I'm not saying that they don't deserve more but I am saying that we're doing our best. Even when Dennis lived in Chile, she was a total bitch and I'm just saying that if we lived there she would still find something to complain about.
I'm just saying that for about 3 hours of the day I hated her and how she makes me feel- Dennis has it easy? It's easy for him to feel as if his daughters don't have a real relationship with him and don't miss him? It's easy? And it hits me at one of my core worries, that by Dennis being here with me in the US he is being separated from the girls and in some way abandoning them.

It's retarded. I admit that I said that I wished she'd die from breast cancer. I don't want her to die, so this is my public act of contrition. I'm sorry for wishing any ill feelings towards her as I know how it is to be the daughter of a single mother and I know how it is when that mother dies. I just pray that the girls know that they are loved and that Dennis would move mountains for them. And I pray that I don't end up being that kind of stepmother/second-wife who hates the first. And I even pray for her- whatever she needs, peace or love or whatever, that she finds it.

Preach on, C.S. Lewis. Preach on. Heaven would be for my heart to look like that drawing....

yes and I'm filing this under Blogging Chicks carnival too...


IRENE said...

Oh dear. This must be so hard for you.
My parents have been separated or divorced for as long as I can remember. My father remarried and had children, my mother did not, and she remained resentful and hateful all of her life, not only of my father, but also of myself, as a reminder of their relationship.
One thing is for sure.It is not easy for anyone, including your husband.
I am sure that God will listen if you honestly pray and ask Him to forgive your ill-wish.You may find some peace in confession, if you are familiar with the practice and you know a priest you trust and feel comfortable with.
I recall your comment on my blog entry about love.It is so horrible that we can really lose control sometimes in such a way.
If I may offer my opinion, only out of experience, I'd say that the best thing would be for your husband's ex to find a loving person to help her out of her own vicious circle.
You also need to act peacefully with your husband. He needs to hold you in his higher esteem, so I'd say you should try and downplay the whole thing.
Blogging is good, to!
Wishing you peace and love.

gabriela said...

Hello Erin. I agree with what Irene has just written. This situation is not easy on anyone of you guys.

Probably would be good for Dennis to write his exwife telling her that he is getting his MBA and working so hard to provide the best he can to his current wife (you) and to give her the best he can for her to take good care of the girls?

Probably his exwife does not know that life anywhere can be difficult at times and she thinks that Dennis is having it easy. I think an e-mail from Dennis telling her how much effort he is doing, would be good for her to understand.

Also yes Erin. Pray for her to find peace in her heart and a man that loves her so she can move on in life.

And try not to wish the worst on people, because it can get reverted to your own person. I know these situations are difficult Erin, and no human being has it easy. Life just for the fact of living is hard, but try to kind of put yourself in the shoes of others and pray a lot.

Dennis exwife probably is not completely right, as she does not value the effort Dennis makes, but also think that she is lonely. God might send a good man for her life, so like I said, she can move on.

I also hope you the best Erin.

Take care.

On the other hand, hey, I'm so happy that Dennis and you spend a lovely time for Valentine's Day. I saw the pictures you posted of that day.

Another thing, think that if the mom of the girls died, that would make things worse, as then probably Dennis would have to go back to Chile or bring them to the U.S. which in the moment probably would be overwhelming as he is not ready for that, because he is in school and work. Don't you think so? Well, this is just a personal perspective and I'm writing you this with all my best intention, ok?

Ok, you can count on my friendship always, ok?

Take care and I send you a big hug,

Gabriela. :)

gabriela said...

So, would make sense to pray a lot for his exwife to get peace in his heart and a loving man for her life so she can move on.

Ok, take care.

gabriela said...

Correction: Said "to get peace in his heart" and meant "to get peace in her heart".

Laurel Wreath said...

I think you said the key words when you mentioned you pray for her, it is hard to "hate" someone while praying for them. Don't let her opinion and reaction to things, be that of his girls (they may think differently) I don't know I am just saying.

Teenagers DON'T realize how good they have it even in the best of homes in the best of situations. But as they grow and mature they will know.

As parents we are just called to be faithful in our love. My Dad had to constantly reach out to my sister.

Now that she is an adult (and I was dealing with a difficult child) I asked her, "what was the one thing that made a difference to you?" She replied, "Dad never stopped reaching out, no matter how much I lashed out. It is so hard to be a parent in the best of situations.

But in a divorce situation it is even harder.


Me, Myself and I said...

Many times I wonder how can frgive some things. I personally can't forgive everything. There are so many situatiosn that go againts my principles and my moral and that they go even God's rules! but then, yes, the human being sinned and God forgave him. I have sinned many times and I am sure he have forgiven me. However, I can't forgive some things...

Erin, I don't know how I would feel or what I would think if I were in your situation. I think it isn't easy for any of you, but while you feel proud of Dennis and you share the same way of doing he does, go ahead and don't look back :)

I'm Just Sayin... said...

I can relate - not that Deane has ex-wives or children to deal with - but like you, I've wished ill on other people for hurting me and saying things that are not only true but meaningless and hurtful.

Unlike you though, I've never taken those words back and still feel very strongly about it :-)

Good for you though for trying to work through and get over the things she said. She'll never know how lucky she is for being able to have that time with her girls...I'm sure if the tables were turned and you guys had the girls, she'd find something to complain about on that front too.

Good luck - :-)

CyberCelt said...

Erin, she would not ask for the moeny if she did not need it. Teenagers are SO expensive.

It has to be the hardest write your ex-husband and ask for money.

Peace to you and yours,

Erin said...

I think my problem has always been not so much that she has ever asked for money but rather that she seems to think that we don't care or work hard as it is to give the girls what they need. I don't mind giving them extra to meet their needs. But I do mind it when she starts saying things like it's easy for him as the father. It's not easy for her, to be sure, but it's definitely not easy for him.