Sunday, February 18, 2007
Today was truly a bizarrre day. 3 "r"s are not enough.
I actually woke up early. Before noon. And went to the gym, made an appointment to do our taxes, and talked (called back) the guy who I got in the accident with. He kind of doesn't seem to care when we "take care" of the damages and said I could get back to him "whenever... in the evening is best..."
I have been thinking alot about a quote that I found blogsurfing, about forgiveness, by C.S. Lewis. It happened to be, on of all places, a blog politically my opposite.
"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."
What the hell does that mean to me? (I know what it means but it is absolutely so difficult to put into practice.) Today, Dennis's ex-wife emailed him to ask for money. She added in her email that Dennis has it easy as a father, that he only thinks of himself "still in school" and only calling the girls (as if he could just hire a private jet and fly over to visit Chile on the weekends...) It's ridiculous- we send more than the required amount, he talks to the girls at least once a week (and that's a lot as they ARE teenagers!), and he's doing the best he can considering she's got full custody and he's in another country!
It just drives me mad. Dennis is a good father and everything that he does is with his family in mind. He's getting his MBA so that he can make money so that he can get a good job to give the girls good lives. And it's not like he's playing missionary or not even trying- we go over and beyond, sending cards and packages and trying to be as much apart of their lives as possible. They live well, they have everything they need, and they even live in a reasonable home with their own rooms and a computer and safety and food- Dennis's sister's kids live worse! Hell, I lived worse! She has no idea what it's really like to have a real "dead-beat" dad. I love my Dad to death but he never sent us cards for birthdays or Christmas let alone the full amount of child support or anything extra. He's been a perpetual teenager my entire life and he's going to end up spending the rest of his life perpetually stoned. So I guess it hurts that Ninoska wants to have a little bit of extra spending money so that she can take the girls on a holiday to Mendoza, Argentina. She acts like she should be on public welfare, like they are living on crumbs, and I'm not saying that they don't deserve more but I am saying that we're doing our best. Even when Dennis lived in Chile, she was a total bitch and I'm just saying that if we lived there she would still find something to complain about.
I'm just saying that for about 3 hours of the day I hated her and how she makes me feel- Dennis has it easy? It's easy for him to feel as if his daughters don't have a real relationship with him and don't miss him? It's easy? And it hits me at one of my core worries, that by Dennis being here with me in the US he is being separated from the girls and in some way abandoning them.
It's retarded. I admit that I said that I wished she'd die from breast cancer. I don't want her to die, so this is my public act of contrition. I'm sorry for wishing any ill feelings towards her as I know how it is to be the daughter of a single mother and I know how it is when that mother dies. I just pray that the girls know that they are loved and that Dennis would move mountains for them. And I pray that I don't end up being that kind of stepmother/second-wife who hates the first. And I even pray for her- whatever she needs, peace or love or whatever, that she finds it.
Preach on, C.S. Lewis. Preach on. Heaven would be for my heart to look like that drawing....
yes and I'm filing this under Blogging Chicks carnival too...