almost titled "Oh my God, I'm my mother".
Today was day two in what I would like to describe as me basically going ballistic quite randomly. God bless Dennis for living with me when I'm on my period, because I'm starting to freak out during. And when I say freak out, I mean mental. I can't even describe how it feels, which is frustrating because I can't explain to Dennis why I'm being so unfair- emotional and weepy and then angry and psychotic (not quite violent-knife-wielding psychotic but certainly incredible hulk territory.)
Like today, I know I woke up. I know I started freaking out about my lack of driver's license and somehow "this is all Dennis's fault", and I just went ballistic. I did the dishes in the most angry way possible and ordered him to leave (Oh I do remember him trying to get me to go to eat lunch with him and I think I remember freaking out and saying "I have to clean. Get out. Don't buy me anything. Just go away and eat.") And after he (finally) left, I crawled into our walk in closet and prayed to God amidst shoes and dirty sheets that I need to wash. It was a bit comforting but I felt like Dennis would just laugh at me if he came back to find me in the closet crying into a dirty pillowcase. I ate and we got better.
But later this evening, a series of events caused me to flip out again, at Dennis. Again, I can't explain. None of this is his fault. He can't read my mind that I want him to tell me especially as I'm especially hormonal that I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, for example. And even if I do say "honey, am I pretty?" I'm so destructive that I don't believe him when he says "of course you are!!" Bless his heart- I said tonight "give me one reason why you even want me to be in the same room with you at night" (he'd been really good with saying that I was being selfish and kind of strange in the past two days...) and he said "because I'm COLD!"
I'm pretty much panic attack blogging because I've been panic-attack reacting all day (this is when being an alcoholic almost makes sense except for the fact that I really like being present in the conversation...) This is like the third time or so that we've both really notice that I kind of wig out when I'm starting my period and so now I'm thinking:
-oh God, I have to be normal!!
-I really need to talk to a doctor about this...
-Thank Christ for Xanax. Really. It's actually a "I'm thankful for..." statement I've been meaning to blog about for a while. No one blogs about drugs and how wonderful they can be and I've been cautious about it because when I think of Xanax lately I think of Britney Spears partying with Xanax. I've been on it for almost 3 years and it's quite marvelous. So there, I've laid that out on the table.
I'm reading Anne Lamott right now ("Plan B"). She's got a lot of brilliant quotes and ideas but the one that's stuck out at me today has been that God says "Don't be an asshole." I've been brilliant at this lately so I think my prayer for the day is that I'm not acting like a jerk to Dennis, that he doesn't act like a total tool with me either, and that both of us feel God's love and peace.
**I think, By the way, that Dennis has finally learned (or atleast started to learn) that one of the worst things he could ever say is "you are acting like your mother right now" Because it's like a code for me to immiediately react and flip out.