'Tis the season for stressing out about papers. I have two papers that I have procrastinated on and one is due tomorrow evening. I have faith in myself, but I can't sleep because my papers are one thing that is going through my mind right now despite the sleep aids. This is what happened last night. I started freaking out about my term papers, especially the one due before Thanksgiving, and I spent the night working on it instead of sleeping.
Which has led me to believe and come to terms with the fact that I'm 26 and not 20 and that all-nighters are no longer feasible for me. I've also been thinking about how my undergraduate classmates stress so much about their grades. And I'm reminded that I really could care less about grades I received years ago so it doesn't really matter. The problem that I face is that in recognizing that my grades don't determine my self-worth, I find myself sometimes sliding into an apathetic and unmotivated academic attitude. If it doesn't really matter, why should I stress myself out. Unfortunately, stressing myself out at the last minute for things like papers is the key to my academic success. I always seem to triumph or at least slide by if I work up to the 11th hour.
My apathy towards school is really a symptom of a larger picture. Quite frankly, I have bigger issues in my life. Dennis isn't working, my hormones are freaking out, I'm worried about my dad, etc. And I am starting to think about life after school, where they really don't care what grade you got on a certain paper. I just don't want my apathy to turn into laziness and apathy in other aspects of my life.
So, I've been stressing myself out and thus I feel like garbage. Trying to pull an all-nighter didn't work and made me feel sick. So I was lying in bed listening to the rain outside, thinking instead about all the things that worry me. I'm worried about school. I'm worried about our future after I graduate. I'm worried about my diabetes. We want to have children, eventually, and I want to be healthy when we do that. In realizing that we will be moving a year from now, I am also realizing that "right around graduation" was when we keep telling people we will start trying to pop out kids. Which means I can no longer procrastinate and not take things like my blood sugars seriously. I have to care. So I find myself caring more about things like my diabetes than I do about my Old Testament Pentateuch class.
I can't sleep so much that I am actually trying to think of things to make for Thanksgiving. Typically, we get invited to a local family's house for the meal. Not family but church friends. This year we don't have invites and I'm actually a little relieved because in our early married years, we went to Denny's for Thanksgiving. A part of me (the part of me that is pushing towards being a real grown up), wants to make something on Thanksgiving. Not a turkey (we wouldn't eat it) but maybe some comfort foods (I'm thinking about deviled eggs, mashed potatoes, stuffing and a small small ham of sorts.) I'm debating on whether or not desert should be included as I am the only one who really eats sweets and Dennis isn't a big pumpkin fan. I'll figure it out but this is what is keeping me up at night.
Or my mind wanders to the stuff our church is doing for the poor people in the area and when they travel to Mexico. They have asked for blankets and I think I am going to give a bunch of blankets away. I came from a family that never ever through away blankets. I don't know why but blankets were just always valuable, even second-hand ugly and outdated ones. We have a few that we never use and don't need. I'm trying to downsize everything we own whenever I get the opportunity because as I've hinted earlier, we are probably moving.
According to Dennis, we will ideally stay in Southern California. It's the easiest way to move. He is looking at jobs in Florida and in Texas. If he cannot find any jobs, we are considering moving back to Chile. In Chile, Dennis can work as an online professor for a school in the states and get a job in Chile. Chile, as in every other place in the world, is economically freaking out. Someone needs to give my husband a job. We need health care and he needs to feel like he is providing again.
This list of things going on in my mind could go on forever. One of the things that I've been hearing again and again and trying to process is this idea of "God's timing". God waited until Sarah was 90 something before letting her have a baby. He waited YEARS before he got his people out of the desert to the actual Promised Land. And even after they arrived, they still had to fight for YEARS more to actually get the land. Things that happen in one or two verses in the Bible actually take a lot longer in real life. And so I'm told to be patient. God is all powerful and all knowing and has control and I just need to wait and have faith. It's just easier said than done. I can see, looking back on my life, times that I have felt God acting slowly and now those times seem to have gone by so fast. A week or even a year flies by and the person I was a year ago and the place we are in our life is just so different. But just every once in a while, it would be so nice to know for sure what is going to happen. More than what grades I'm going to get- where are we going to live? What will we be doing professionally? When will be start a family? I wish I could see God's plan instead of passively waiting on Him to act. It's frustrating and challenging and ever so easy to ask out loud "God, where are you? What are you doing? What is the point of this??"
Okay. I need to try to go back to sleep. I have to wake up early tomorrow to write this stupid paper.