back to normal...

tomorrow class resumes (I don't have class on Wednesday so this is a grace for me!) I guess we are pretty much out of harm's way but they are suffering pretty bad in the South. Pacific Coast Highway is open again but I wouldn't want to be the person going to Pepperdine in all this traffic.

Today we held prayer, for the fire and also for people who need healing in our community. The church that burned down plans to rebuild, a preschool was lost, and the elementary school had damage to 2 classrooms. The person I visited and prayed for on this blog on Friday, passed away last night and I'm getting pretty sick of cancer now. His wife was not able to come to campus probably in part because of the fire.

Sometimes all you can do is pray...

prayer beads
Originally uploaded by jonnybaker

Pray for release. Pray for deliverance. Pray for peace. strength, courage, mercy.


“For the Christian, heaven is where Jesus is. We do not need to speculate on what heaven will be like. It is enough to know that we will be for ever with Him.”
~William Barclay

Tonight, I was affirmed in my calling to be present even when I could only groan. That is God's grace. Even when I cannot find the words of sorrow and anguish, my tears and groans reach Him.

short answer: I'm back.

I came home on Sunday morning and it took me all week to feel adjusted. I'm like satin pants. I don't travel well. I wrinkle. I had homework and makeup exams and I needed to re-adjust.

First: I did eat a lot less in Chile. Not just walking a lot. But eating less. But it doesn't matter because I've finally learned that when Dennis is gone (he's coming back tomorrow morning), that I eat a lot of crap. Like apple turnovers.

Second: I took over 100 photos and left the camera with Dennis last Saturday night. But let's all recap: I'm a stepmother to two teens, 14 and 15. Dennis called me on Sunday because they decided to take photos without asking Dennis, and (of course), they ended up deleting ALL OF MY PHOTOS.

yes, I'm serious. I'm annoyed, I'm not lying. But it's also true that memories are more valuable than photos and hopefully Dennis took some photos after I left so I can show everyone how cute the children in Chile are and also how good my brother in law is. He is officially in CANCER REMISSION and acting on Chilean night time novelas too!

Oh man. Good photos were lost. I really enjoyed my week with Dennis's family and with his girls, (who ended up moving in with us for the week because in short, their mom is a bit psycho). That's the drama that I alluded to earlier but didn't have brain cells to write about. Basically, she threw them out because they were acting like teenagers and maybe because she was tired of being a mom and also maybe because she was jealous that we were all having fun and that the girls enjoy time with me and with their dad. So when I left, the girls were with Dennis's mom and we had just bought them their own bunk beds. But yesterday, in short, the courts decided that the girls should stay with their mother. I think it sucks that the girls were thrown into this whole mess and I'm having a more difficult time then ever understanding how mothers can act like children are pets to throw away (read: I am having problems giving grace or being graceful.) Brittney and the girl's mother. Lumped into the same category. I could write a whole lot on this. But maybe the first step is to stop talking about it. Prayers for Dennis and for the girls, as the girls have kind of been tossed around and because it hurts Dennis to see them suffer.

Chile was a great experience. Even with mentioned crisis, I had a great week. We went to the Chilean version of Disneyland ("Fantasilandia") and my GOD you have not LIVED until you are riding on a rollercoaster that goes upside down and really fast and you hear a loud noise from the breaks and you think a pin just might come out of the ride because they really aren't invested in safety.

Chilean public transportation is another thing. Santiago has this new bus system that really sucks. Basically there are like 5 buses for the whole city so there are like 50 people minimum waiting in line. And so the first female President in Latin America has dropped in approval ratings of 35%. Dennis was stuck in Santiago (we were 2 hours away), because he was in the middle of a protest.

Let's see. What am I forgetting. My stepdaughter Cristina- when given 5 minutes to take what she can from her house, her most treasured valuables are her hamster (who is suprisingly soooo cute!) and her Kelly Clarkson CD (that new one that everyone seems to hate). She is also really addicted to text messaging. So that's a universal teen thing.

It's really nice to know that you can make a 14 and 15 year old happy by spending a dollar on those glow bracelets that they sell in the US for rave parties and Halloween.

Yes, so I still hate Hebrew. Missing my husband. Feeling weird that I'm actually in a routine now of being alone.

I DID get a "family photo" of the four of us at Fantasilandia but it's on a button so I think I can scan it but I've never scanned a button before.

clarifications...

Pancho is, as I expected, not 100% cancer free but he is still getting better (it's still good news and still in the miracle category!) He has to take medication and there is still cancer (I'm not sure if it's cancer cells or tumors or what because the whole cancer thing is quite confusing) in his stomach. There is a chance that he might have to go through a little bit more chemo but right now the doctors are saying it's not necessary. And he's eating! (this is huge because he couldn't eat before due to horrible side effects from the chemo and radiation). I am emailing him to ask him to send photos as he starts to look and feel better and stronger. (I want to see his beard and the peach fuzz that will top his head as his hair grows back!) Most of all, I am grateful for the hope and strength in his voice. I've been thinking, even if the cancer is not completely gone or even if it decided to return with a vengeance, Pancho has been given more time than we thought he would have.
I cannot imagine how it would feel to be at death's door one month and then to feel like a newborn baby the next month. I pray that his body grows stronger and that the cancer disappears. I pray for that 100% gone.

update on Pancho...

God is so good.

It could be a miracle of science, it could be that things weren't as bad as they seemed. Rationalize it however you choose. I choose miracle of prayers and of God listening to the cries of our hearts.

Pancho called me today (dennis was at work). I noticed right away that he sounded stronger and healthier than usual. He said "Because I am!" He visited the doctors today and they told him that his cancer has gone into remission. So even though we had thought it was spreading, even though we thought he had cancer up to his spine, the cancer is now "gone". He has to recuperate from the side effects of chemotherapy still but he, for now, does not have to worry about cancer treatments!
(He told me that his hair is growing back and that he is growing a beard!) I talked to my mother in law and she said that he is much better, eating little but more than before, and that everyone is overjoyed because of this news. It's hard to believe this as I type it- 100% gone? I wonder if this means that it is gone for now and could come back? Right now, at the moment I type, though, I don't care. He sounds strong and happy and grateful for his second opportunity. I am so thankful that he is not sicker, so thankful that he is not dying, so thankful for this complete reversal of how things were happening. We were preparing for him to die, preparing for Dennis to have to go to Chile with an open-ticket. God is so good, and I am a believer.

I pray that this is an opportunity for God to work in the hearts of Dennis and of his brother as both have been suffering faith-crisis before. I pray that they both remember the hell of this whole thing and remember that Pancho is better and that life is precious, and I pray that they realize that something is working, something is in control, something is keeping Pancho alive and on this earth. I pray that Dennis sees how prayers work- we had people of all faiths (even Jews!) praying for Pancho to get better. And he is!!

San Peregrino

I am not catholic but I have been comforted by this card, which I also sent to Pancho, and even the words of prayer on the back. San Peregrino is the patron saint of cancer, AIDS, and those kinds of diseases that suck and have no cure. I guess I take comfort because even if I don't believe that this guy has some special way to talk to God on my behalf, I do see that he was sick and healed and is remembered for his great faith in God. If God healed San Peregrino, he can heal Pancho. I have had this little prayer card since my trip to the Catholic Cathedral, (so about a month).

On the back, (I'm translating into English from Spanish), it reads:
To you (I pray), who yourself suffered for some years from the illness of cancer that destroys the fiber of our existence and which oriented you toward the source of Divine Grace, when the power of man was revealed useless...

(I/we) Pray to God and the Virgen the curing of these persons (who also suffer) because we trust in you. Convinced that you will give us this favor, we give thanks to God for his great faithfulness and mercy.


Good news follows this blog entry.

Who needs comfort more?

I started to blog about how much cancer sucks but I don't want to be depressing or redundant.

And then I decided that it's my blog so I can choose to write about what's on my heart if I choose to.

There is this girl in one of my classes who is recently married and works in children's ministry for her church. But bless her heart, she is also taking care of her father who is in his dying days of melanoma skin cancer. We have class once a week and open each class with prayer and I have been intentional about really asking her how she is and how her family is.

Yesterday she explained that her father is back in the hospital and that she and her mother alternate nights staying with him to care for him and to be with him. She and her husband have moved into her parents' home to help with things- things as of now like making funeral arrangements. Her father's cancer has spread to his spine so that he is paralyzed, he has a tumor on his lip that is so large that he bites into it when he eats (so he uses a feeding tube), and he is in great pain. The kind of pain that the greatest of morphine cannot take away. To watch him suffer is hard enough. To basically live a)in her parents' home with her new husband and to b)basically live in the hospital is unimaginable.

But what moves me most about her story is that right now, as her father will not last many more weeks, many people are visiting her father and many of them have not seen him as sick as he is. She told us in class about how frustrating it is, that they essentially break down when they visit him because of the shock of watching a dear friend and a good man die. And so she feels that she is not only watching after her father but comforting his visitors.

It is a good reminder of how people with the best of intentions are often "in the way". People want to help and they want to be comforted etc. but sometimes the best way to help is by being present but silent or even leaving. I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't visit someone who is dying but I am suggesting (in light of reading "the Living Reminder" by Henri Nouwen) that there is a time for people to leave so that the family has peace. It reminds me of who and what was most helpful for me when my mom and sister died- it was helpful to have people bring meals and help me organize finances. But then when people started planning the funeral for me, ignoring my input, I felt hurt. And later, even now, there are people who are still grieving their deaths and they want to cry with me and mourn with me. There is one woman who was so upset by the deaths of my mom and sister that 3 and a half years later, she still wants to have memorial services (which is fine but she wants to include me). It is as if she is seeking comfort in me, as if there is something I can say to make her sadness go away.

I pray that my classmate has time for relief and silence and quiet, to be with her father and her family, and that she is supported by her friends and everyone but also allowed to let her father rest in peace. She said that she and her family had all dealt with her father's dying but that his visitors haven't. This is how I felt with my mother. I felt relief, which is hard for many to understand.

and all of this has turned into a kind of mental vomiting. Be present but give the person who is losing his/her loved one space. Don't stay too long, don't try to replace the parent who has died, listen to the wishes of the family in memorial service/funeral planning, allow them to grieve as they know how as there are no rules. Cards, letters, meals, books- all of this is great and helpful.
Hugs are also helpful but really they are most helpful when they are given as comfort to the person who has lost someone, not when they are given because you yourself need to be comforted. (Does any of this make sense?)

I guess it's all appropriate for me to remember with Dennis's brother, who will need more chemotherapy. He has still decided to not continue with treatment but Dennis is hopeful that he will change his mind. I wonder, if the worst case scenario happens, will I be a source of comfort for Dennis as he was for me when my family members died? Or will I be a source of frustration...

hubby's coming home today!!

Dennis is coming home this evening so I'm guessing the volume of blog posts is going to go down a little. He's going to be really tired and probably grumpy but I'm excited- now I have someone to talk too! and someone who can drive me to the store when I run out of diet coke or cold medicine! I can't wait to give him a big hug!! (And I've missed my mp3 player and my digital camera!!)

He argued with me over the phone for hours last night because I let some girls drive (I can't drive) our car to the overnight retreat that I just got back from. I know why he was annoyed and angry but in the end, it was one of those arguments that is kind of petty and the only reason why he is fighting is because he's tired and stressed and I'm the only one he can be angry and stressed out with.

I've decided that this comes with my job description as a wife though- really. I prayed about it a lot last night and decided that part of loving my neighbor (in this case my husband), is being able to "drink his cup" and sit with him when he's going through some really amazingly rough times. He's got this really challenging MBA program in English, he's doing all of it on his own time and own money when most of his classmates are being supported by their company, he hates his job, he's exhausted, he's far from home, and to top it off, his brother just might be dying.

It's something we haven't discussed. But if someone who has cancer that has spread so quickly, has pretty much decided that he doesn't want to continue treatment, there is a)a miracle or b)he's dying. I'm not trying to put limits on God but I am a realist. I am praying right now that Pancho's quality of life while he is alive, is good and that he finds peace and goes through it surrounded by family and friends who love him.

So, it makes sense that Dennis would project all of this incredible crappy life-situation stuff onto me. It sucks and I'm not saying I'm not going to stick up for myself. But maybe I won't take it so personally. And I'm trying to do little things so that he knows that I am here for him. And if he doesn't have the spiritual energy to pray, part of my "job" as his wife, is to pray for him and to be confident that God hears the desires of our hearts- both of our hearts. I've been thinking today- "What about people who get better who don't pray? Why is prayer so important?" I'm not saying "pray for dennis and pray for Pancho because if you pray, Pancho will magically get better". Jesus is not magic. I don't even know how to answer the question "why pray"- it's just something that makes me as a person feel better.

I guess I'm praying in this blog post too that I will be compassionate for Dennis- he doesn't need psychology or analysis of why his brother is refusing treatment, or a big discussion on how much life sucks. He just needs me to be there to listen and maybe try a bit harder to not complain about house chores as much or maybe to be a little less grouchy myself. I'm not making any promises because I'm pretty selfish, but I would like to think that I'm at least trying to be sensitive.

And I'm writing all of this out right now, too, because the internet is going to be "down" Sunday and Monday. But by Tuesday-ish, I'd like to think I'll have some flickr photos up ;)

Are you serious?

yeah I am.
I just paid two girls almost ten dollars to sit around with me and talk.

these 2 undergraduate girls were knocking on doors tonight raising money for a trip to build a house in Florida during their spring break. They offered to do my dishes and I was like "People!!" so I invited them in to watch "Beauty and the Geek" with me. We ended up talking about dorm life (Pepperdine's curfew and no-alcohol policy and church and stuff) It was so much fun but I felt like such a dork because I was like "oh are you sure you have to leave??"

I felt like an old lady that you visit on charity. If they come back tomorrow, they'll get the two dollars I've got left in my purse.

Prayers: My brother-in-law has decided to stop all medical treatment for his cancer because the side effects of the chemo are too severe. Dennis is angry and frustrated but neither of us blame Pancho for "quitting"- he's really sick and it's so hard.

It's late...

so I'm going to be deep...

This is the scripture I read to our congregation on Sunday morning. It's been swimming in my head since Sunday. I've been thinking alot about how even as your body gets older or sicker or fatter, you are renewed in Christ. In other words, I think, your body really is just a shell. Is it really possible to just get sicker and sicker and yet still be joyful and graceful and beautiful and even happy? I've been thinking about my brother-in-law and even about us, who seem to be fighting the clock and time. There aren't enough hours in the day. But even when Dennis is frustrated and baggy-eyed; even when I'm stressed out and eating moon pies to recover; even when Pancho is emaciated and hairless and looks so pathetically sick- in all of these circumstances there exists something stronger than our bodies and our own worries, found in the love of God. (whether we want to love Him back or not.)

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

As it is written:

"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

(Romans 8:28-39)