Some news!

We are moving to Florida at the end of the year!!!

Dennis is accepting a job at a university in Fort Lauderdale, so we are planning a move to Florida in December/early January after I finish classes! So we are moving from one coast to the other! (Hallelujah, he's got a job!!)

I need to get rid of almost all that we have, because apparently it is ridiculously expensive to move things and we don't have a whole lot that's worth anything so I think I may be having adventures in craigslisting soon. (Seriously, it's like $4000 to move a two bedroom apartment from one side of the country to the other. Ridiculous).

When I first found out that we were moving, I was more afraid of the alligators and bugs than the hurricanes. I'm still worried about the wildlife but I'm glad we are moving to a warm climate. And it's cheaper to get flights to/from Chile to Miami then to Los Angeles so hopefully this means we can invite the girls out and even Dennis's mom.

Ode to bad wine...

It's from Argentina, which is good. In my opinion, South American wines are not as spicy as Californian wines. I should have read the label.

It has a hint of tobacco and chocolate. TOBACCO. I tasted this hint last, in the back of my throat and it lingers with you. So the wine tastes like your regular notspicy red wine with an interesting woodsy-definite berry flavor. And a bit of tobacco. I'm not a fan.

What you missed in the photo that I so artfully took with my camera phone, is the can of Pringles and the bottle of diet Dr. Pepper.

The good news is that I've kept to my lent about no sweets. Tomorrow (or today?) is a church potluck day so that will be my real test. Wine doesn't count as a sweet.

I can haz your cheetos?

It's Lent time again. Last year, some may recall, I gave up Perez Hilton and celebrity gossip. It worked marvelously and by Easter, I was so over it!

This year, I've given up sweets. It's hell. I am hungry for snacks and there is nothing in our house except for a can of tuna and ginger snaps. Dennis bought a box of ginger snaps to celebrate the fact that I'm not eating sweets. This is clearly going to be way harder than giving up celebrity gossip. I have already started reminding myself that sweets are nothing compared to the cross.

(It was either sweets or facebook. I love facebook more than I love chocolate.)


(How much do I love facebook? As much as Dana-->


Have I been just as guilty as her? yes, absolutely.)

Milestones...

I belong to a forum for diabetics who are women and who are mothers or who want to be mothers. I'm not planning anything right now but it has been motivational for getting my health under control. Anyway, when your diabetes is under control, you tell everyone in the forum and they give you a dancing frog (so under 7.0 A1C). My A1C two weeks ago was a 7.8, which is the best I've ever had. It's a milestone and the forum members awarded me with a tadpole. I've been keeping it on my computer harddrive but I haven't been really keeping up with trying to do better. But posting it here might help me to stay focused (I've caved twice in the past week and had some french fries and I've decided to give up candy and cake, except for Mar.11 bday cake, for lent). I just feel like I have so many goals and things I have to do this year, and I think I've been putting the goal of being healthy on the backburner.

I got this email when I was wasting time on facebook (which very well might steal my soul). I'm going back to Japan so I've been raising money. I've reached my half way point, but I don't know how because I can think of 10 people that I know I need to talk to but that I have put off writing letters too. It's another goal.

I'm also taking Japanese, kind of. I'm sitting in on a class but I'm not really auditing it because I'm not paying for it, because the professor and his department have been really ridiculously graceful and generous. But tomorrow morning, there is an exam. I haven't studied and now I feel like I should talk to the professor and just ask him if I can not worry about this exam? I feel really bad, like I'm already wasting his time and like him grading my exam would be just worse. I feel like a flake.

Which brings me to my 10am midterm tomorrow morning. It's something else I haven't satisfactorily studied for. But I'm paying for this class, and I think I might be smarter if I studied and did well for it. But this is like the story of who I am as a student right now- I'm flaking on my studies and putting things off and hoping that I can just get by. It's not how I want to do things, and I'm probably being too hard on myself. I'm just really tired and stressed out.

Which brings me to my whole life right now. I finish school finally in December. My husband doesn't have a job and the US economy is not providing him with anything. We are talking about moving back to Chile or to another country, in general. Which freaks me out. The thought of moving to another country and changing my life so dramatically all by myself (with Dennis), so freaks me out that I feel like I'm almost paralyzed. It's like I'm sabotaging myself physically, spiritually, and scholastically because I'm terrified of the real world, of moving away, of the very very unknown. It's not that I don't have faith in God or in Dennis or in myself. It's that I'm just so anxious about this that I can't even concentrate properly. Me, who has to two hours early for a flight when they say be one hour early. Me, who has to show up 15-30min. early for a movie just because I want to pick the best seats possible. I turn into Godzilla if we miss one preview. Not knowing, not having a clue, not having any control.

I realize, as I type this, that this is what I'm doing. I'm so freaking out that I'm sabotaging myself. Which is absurd because I, of all people, know how amazing God is and how much things can change in one year. In less!

Dennis became a US Citizen today!!

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

We are officially done with immigration now!! Woohoo!!

Going back to Japan...

I'm exhausted after a weekend of training and bonding with the students who I will go to Japan with this summer. Really. My brain hurts from the thoughts of personal and team strengths and weaknesses, from the challenge as you prepare to not only go to another culture but to do so wearing your faith on your sleeve. But I am confident in our team and in being the only girl. I made it clear that I like to have structure, even if I'm not necessarily in charge, and I realized that I have a high need to be included and to have approval. We did some personality quizzes and my leadership skills were affirmed. Some aspects of my marriage were also affirmed because I realized the following:

*my need for approval and affirmation (normal qualities) explain why I ask Dennis daily if he loves me and for why I LOVE when he says it, especially out of the blue.

*my need for structure and yet for everyone to put in an equal amount of work, explains why I get frustrated for when it seems like I'm the only one doing house chores and then for why I get frustrated when Dennis does things like the dishes "wrong" aka not my way. It also explains why I am a horrible flier, why I have to be early at the movies, etc. I can't have surprises. I must be early. I need to see the trailers lest I miss ANYTHING.

*Dennis rated high on control, meaning that he is confident and capable and is a leader who takes on things even when he is in unknown territory. Which is why I love him- he seems fearless sometimes. But he also thinks, with a lot of confidence, that his way is the best way. Sometimes this is true. He excels in spontaneous situations, opposite me. This is helpful in airport situations where I freak out.

*We both rated high on affection and relationships, meaning that we seek close relationships and affection from others. It makes sense because we both feel love in hugging each other or just holding hands. And it makes sense when I think about how warm and open Dennis is with others (old ladies love Dennis). He really is so open to new friendships and really would do anything for a friend. I love this about him. He really is so optimistic when he creates friendships and expects people to treat him with the same high regard. It's just amazing how open he is.

It was an exhausting weekend but it was a good weekend and I am optimistic, at least about my faith in 2009.

Photo explanation: Our team had to compete with other teams to build a tower using tape and hangers and newspaper and paper clips and straws. We won and our tower was the highest.

'Tis the Season...

'Tis the season for stressing out about papers. I have two papers that I have procrastinated on and one is due tomorrow evening. I have faith in myself, but I can't sleep because my papers are one thing that is going through my mind right now despite the sleep aids. This is what happened last night. I started freaking out about my term papers, especially the one due before Thanksgiving, and I spent the night working on it instead of sleeping.

Which has led me to believe and come to terms with the fact that I'm 26 and not 20 and that all-nighters are no longer feasible for me. I've also been thinking about how my undergraduate classmates stress so much about their grades. And I'm reminded that I really could care less about grades I received years ago so it doesn't really matter. The problem that I face is that in recognizing that my grades don't determine my self-worth, I find myself sometimes sliding into an apathetic and unmotivated academic attitude. If it doesn't really matter, why should I stress myself out. Unfortunately, stressing myself out at the last minute for things like papers is the key to my academic success. I always seem to triumph or at least slide by if I work up to the 11th hour.

My apathy towards school is really a symptom of a larger picture. Quite frankly, I have bigger issues in my life. Dennis isn't working, my hormones are freaking out, I'm worried about my dad, etc. And I am starting to think about life after school, where they really don't care what grade you got on a certain paper. I just don't want my apathy to turn into laziness and apathy in other aspects of my life.

So, I've been stressing myself out and thus I feel like garbage. Trying to pull an all-nighter didn't work and made me feel sick. So I was lying in bed listening to the rain outside, thinking instead about all the things that worry me. I'm worried about school. I'm worried about our future after I graduate. I'm worried about my diabetes. We want to have children, eventually, and I want to be healthy when we do that. In realizing that we will be moving a year from now, I am also realizing that "right around graduation" was when we keep telling people we will start trying to pop out kids. Which means I can no longer procrastinate and not take things like my blood sugars seriously. I have to care. So I find myself caring more about things like my diabetes than I do about my Old Testament Pentateuch class.

I can't sleep so much that I am actually trying to think of things to make for Thanksgiving. Typically, we get invited to a local family's house for the meal. Not family but church friends. This year we don't have invites and I'm actually a little relieved because in our early married years, we went to Denny's for Thanksgiving. A part of me (the part of me that is pushing towards being a real grown up), wants to make something on Thanksgiving. Not a turkey (we wouldn't eat it) but maybe some comfort foods (I'm thinking about deviled eggs, mashed potatoes, stuffing and a small small ham of sorts.) I'm debating on whether or not desert should be included as I am the only one who really eats sweets and Dennis isn't a big pumpkin fan. I'll figure it out but this is what is keeping me up at night.

Or my mind wanders to the stuff our church is doing for the poor people in the area and when they travel to Mexico. They have asked for blankets and I think I am going to give a bunch of blankets away. I came from a family that never ever through away blankets. I don't know why but blankets were just always valuable, even second-hand ugly and outdated ones. We have a few that we never use and don't need. I'm trying to downsize everything we own whenever I get the opportunity because as I've hinted earlier, we are probably moving.

According to Dennis, we will ideally stay in Southern California. It's the easiest way to move. He is looking at jobs in Florida and in Texas. If he cannot find any jobs, we are considering moving back to Chile. In Chile, Dennis can work as an online professor for a school in the states and get a job in Chile. Chile, as in every other place in the world, is economically freaking out. Someone needs to give my husband a job. We need health care and he needs to feel like he is providing again.

This list of things going on in my mind could go on forever. One of the things that I've been hearing again and again and trying to process is this idea of "God's timing". God waited until Sarah was 90 something before letting her have a baby. He waited YEARS before he got his people out of the desert to the actual Promised Land. And even after they arrived, they still had to fight for YEARS more to actually get the land. Things that happen in one or two verses in the Bible actually take a lot longer in real life. And so I'm told to be patient. God is all powerful and all knowing and has control and I just need to wait and have faith. It's just easier said than done. I can see, looking back on my life, times that I have felt God acting slowly and now those times seem to have gone by so fast. A week or even a year flies by and the person I was a year ago and the place we are in our life is just so different. But just every once in a while, it would be so nice to know for sure what is going to happen. More than what grades I'm going to get- where are we going to live? What will we be doing professionally? When will be start a family? I wish I could see God's plan instead of passively waiting on Him to act. It's frustrating and challenging and ever so easy to ask out loud "God, where are you? What are you doing? What is the point of this??"

Okay. I need to try to go back to sleep. I have to wake up early tomorrow to write this stupid paper.

On God's Wisdom...

Rarely, I actually read something required for class that makes me feel really good about God.
This is from my Systematic Theology Professor's book:

"Viewing the other attributes from the perspective of God's wisdom enriches them, and wisdom in turn is enriched by them. For a "love" without wisdom would be no more than sentiment without effect. And wisdom without love would be reduced to craftiness without morality. Grace without understanding would be but whimsical indulgence, and understanding without grace rises only to the level of cold calculation. An unwise mercy does more harm than good by its clumsy kindness, whereas wisdom without mercy surveys suffering heartlessly. Patience without wisdom inspires no confidence of success. But wisdom without patience inspires terror. While in his righteousness God always does right, in his wisdom he always does the best. And for the loving God, the right thing and the best thing are always the same. In his holiness, God maintains his unique being in all his acts, and in his wisdom he acts in ways that will accomplish his will in all things. God is always wise in his holy acts, and always holy in his wise deeds.

God is infinitely wise in all he does because he is wisdom itself. For in his triune life, God is God in the most perfect way. God is not God automatically and unconsciously, but freely. God is not on a journey of self-discovery in which he comes gradually to understand his nature and learns how to act as God more effectively. God knows hot to be God. God knows the why, the how, and the wherefore of his deity. He knows, therefore, how to be God in relationship to his creation. He is "the only wise God" (Rom.16:27), and he deserves glory and wisdom and power forever and ever."

From page 220.

They are available for weddings...

Add This:

Plus This:

And you, delightfully, get this:



The website doesn't work, BTW but I think this is a real church choir. If it isn't, it is at least cheap Thursday entertainment. Could at least SOME of what they sing work and not conflict with the idea of worship? (I mean, you can't sing Nelly in church, obvs, but maybe you could work with the Eminem song??)

Why Angelina Jolie hate?

So apparently, no one likes Angelina Jolie! I'm a little surprised! (A little.) I think that Brad is kind of annoying personally (actually he does a lot of good things). I just don't like him because to me, This is a massive cop-out. (Or a massive win for Brad, who has the cow and the milk for free).

Anyway, this is me today. I'm not sick just completely tired and unmotivated as far as school. It's just a lack of energy- I don't want to wake up for the 8am class I'm auditing and I don't want to read for my other classes. This will lead to panic in the coming weeks as two papers are due before thanksgiving which is approaching fast.


On a side note, Dennis and I are working with two other guys who may go with us to Japan next summer (fingers crossed that the timing works and we all have the ability to do what we are planning!) We made dinner and talked about it tonight with them and things look really good but I realized that once again I have a big mouth and I am very intrusive. God, I'm such a girl. I hope that we can work as a team without me interfering as an annoying female who wants to know marriage plans and medical histories. I know that Dennis, rightly so perhaps, says that I talk to much and I probably embarrass him. I've never met someone who is so closely the epitome of a meddling chatterbox, as I am myself.

*On another side note, this is like the 4th time this semester that Dennis and I have had a dinner for students/undergraduates. We are very old married couple mentorly aren't we. :) It's not heavy cooking- I made a frozen lasagna tonight.

The end of an era.

I had a really good night. We watched the elections, which ended a lot faster than I expected, and had hot dogs with good friends. It is the first time, since I've been old enough to vote, that I've enjoyed presidential election night. Now youth who voted for McCain know exactly how I felt for the past 2 elections. (Facebook status updates show a forecast of high depression and anxiety for our young Republicans.) I hope that what Obama said is true, and that we really do find change. One can only hope that it really is the end of an era and not just a bunch of hot air.

At the end of the day, it is the same circus with a different clown. Obama is not my messiah and I know that the only hope I have for certain is my hope and faith in Christ.

Redemption Song...

Taken from Exodus 15. Cause we all need some salvation and deliverance.

My new laptop background photo.

I just received this photo from one of my readers in Japan, Mitsuko. She took Dennis and I to a Shinto Shrine on the last Saturday. It was a meaningful trip because she let us see a part of Japanese culture that we wouldn't normally see (unless we were as tourists only). She took great care to explain as best as she could the meanings of the paper and ponds and statues and water, and we tried to be as respectful as we could, as we were obviously kind of tourists and we were there on a Christian mission trip and not necessarily to ask for blessings.
I don't know if visiting the worship sites of other religions is necessarily a negative thing or not, but I thought it was important for us to go and I thought that the Shrine was beautiful and ancient and spiritual, even if I am do not theologically understand/agree with the hows and why. And when I prayed, I prayed to my God. Maybe that means something?
At any rate, it was about 15 minutes of my trip that helped me to understand the culture I was in better, and I think it helped my friendship with Mitsuko. I think she was happy and proud to show us something that we don't see in Western cultures. And maybe Mitsuko will know that Western Christians aren't all close-minded and uninterested.

Turning Japanese....

I'm going to Japan tomorrow!!!

Actually, I'm leaving the states tomorrow. I'm getting to Japan on Saturday afternoon. I have literally no idea how the time difference works. All I know is that 1000 yen is almost 10 bucks, which is the cost of a pair of cute flip flops sold in Japan!


I will miss two weeks of blogging, two weeks of Sunday school teaching, and two weeks (or 17 days) of Big Brother UK and Big Brother Austrailia, not to mention two weeks of the Mole and the season finale of Hell's Kitchen.


The plus side is that we have a team blog for anyone who is interested, to check out!
From Malibu to Hachinohe

Stop by- hopefully we will be able to update it kind of frequently!

I am a Christian because of old ladies.

Today after church, Dennis and I took photos with two of our most favorite women from church, to show to our readers in Japan. Both women have supported us financially but also spiritually, and not just in preparation for our mission trip to Japan. It got me thinking about how old women have shaped my faith and identity in Christ and in the Christian community. I want to be like these women when I grow up.

Before marriage, I think I probably ignored these women. But curiously, Dennis seems to attract them. At the church in Santiago, Chile he was always surrounded by old ladies at tea parties. One old lady (quite old)told me that I was lucky to have such a good young man. I noticed the way that my husband works with the elderly, men and women. He truly has a gift for communicating with old people in a way that makes them seem fun and fascinating. His best customers at the bank were the elderly, because he listens to them and befriends them. He sees them as contemporaries, instead of talking to them as though they were children. And my husband has the greatest gift for getting old people to talk about how things used to be. I've seen it, even in how he interacts with my grandparents, and it is one of my favorite things about Dennis as a person.

Thus post-marriage, we have as a couple become authentically friends with older people in our church and specifically widows (although not exclusively, as I can remember him talking in Spanish with the old Spanish professor way before he even knew the professor's wife, who would soon be a widow.)

I have learned that you can be faithful for decades, and you can find new insights into God even after decades. I've learned that even when life sucks- even when you aren't working, or when your spouse dies, that you move on and you do learn to live again. I've learned that my identity is not in Dennis, because of death, so that it is so very important to find my identity in Christ. Then, I will have the assurance that death is only one stage. There may be a time when all I have is my faith.

I have learned that family is sacred, from these women, who bake and raise money and are there to help students. These women shape part of the story of my church community and also shape why we go to our church, why we feel like this church is home, why we keep going.

I am thankful for the living proof that life goes on, that things work out, and that whatever I am going through right now (cough*unemployed husband*cough*economic recession*cough, cough) are just patches or stitches in the big picture. I know that it sounds corny or sentimental, but it is true. God is good, indeed.

made me a video

of why I am going to Japan for 2 weeks to teach English using the Book of Luke.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

It Is finished...

We bought my books for the summer class that starts on Monday and we bought the dress for my cousin's wedding. That is a lot of pennies spent on me.

The start of a really busy freaking summer is upon me. I have jury duty/summer school starting Monday. I break for a week and then go to New Mexico for my cousin's expensive wedding. And then a few days after that Dennis and I will go to Japan. (Actually after Japan, I see the summer being not so busy. Just work and teaching Sunday School on Sunday morning!)

This week was Pepperdine's Bible Lectureships. I heard a lot of the message that I need to depend on God, because my happiness is not to be found in things that I can buy or what I can do for my social status. So I know I am at the point where I must say, "I can only depend on God at this point." Because I am otherwise really stressing myself out and being rather hard on myself about our financial situation or fundraising for Japan or being the best mentor/maid of honor/cousin to my cousin. All I can ask is that God takes care of me and those things take care of themselves.

So I guess the title of this post is more than just the answer to "Jesus Christ's words on the cross". It is also the answer to "Erin freaking out about financial things and thinking that the world is going to end...".

I'm not freaking out. That is also finished. For today.

I ate eel today...

It was pretty good. Didn't taste as strange as I thought it would.

Today was day one of a two-day prep/devotional/encouragement/etc. for the Pepperdine teams traveling with LST: In addition to our team going to Japan, a team is going to Tanzania for 6 weeks, a team is going to Germany, and a team is going to a small town just outside of San Jose, Costa Rica.

The sushi was definitely awesome.
In addition, the ending devotional was awesome for its' challenge. We meditated on Psalm 23. I was challenged to lay my burdens before the Lord, who in theory at least, truly cares for me and meets my every need. It is so hard to accept that without panicking and doubting, especially when you are called to raise so much money. I was reminded that I am going because of my faith in God.

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

HodgePodge and JAPAN

So giving up celebrity gossip has been a challenge. I cannot understate this. I have not only officially given up the websites but also the TV shows. So I have NO IDEA what is going on with britney spears. I won't even look at the magazines.

It's like a bizarro world or something because at the same time that I'm being forced to spend less time online, Dennis is suddenly addicted to youtube. He figured out that he can find videos and music from the 80's (mainly) and he just does not stop. Unless Deal or No Deal is on TV. I'm trying to record him because it's so cute when he starts singing, and so dorky at the same time.



Which segways (segue?) into my next blog topic. Dennis and I are going to Japan! We've actually been working on it for a month and actually praying about it and starting the whole fundraising process in the past week. So we are actually officially going to Hachinohe, Japan. Hachinohe, according to google, is a small fishing town about an hour away from Tokyo. They have fish (so they live up to the town reputation I guess...) and a castle and a shopping mall. Today, we learned that we will have to wear slippers when we are indoors, and that they may not have diet coke.

So, we are going to Japan, for two weeks. We are going to stay in a church and help people learn English using the book of Luke. The goal is to help them with their English, not to baptize them. It's kind of an obvious point, but it is important because going to Japan based on my faith is kind of scary- am I Christian enough to do this? But when I think "but you aren't going to convert people! Just to form relationships! The words they read will affect them more than you!", I feel better. It's nothing I can do, on my own, but what God can do and in the experience and examples. I don't know if any of this makes sense but I am selfishly quite excited about being in the position of helping someone with his or her English, about getting to know people in a culture that I'm so unfamiliar with, and really what could I do in two weeks other than plant seeds. And probably, they will end up planting seeds in me.
And I am dying to see Dennis do Karaoke.

Sometimes all you can do is pray...

prayer beads
Originally uploaded by jonnybaker

Pray for release. Pray for deliverance. Pray for peace. strength, courage, mercy.


“For the Christian, heaven is where Jesus is. We do not need to speculate on what heaven will be like. It is enough to know that we will be for ever with Him.”
~William Barclay

Tonight, I was affirmed in my calling to be present even when I could only groan. That is God's grace. Even when I cannot find the words of sorrow and anguish, my tears and groans reach Him.