Some news!

We are moving to Florida at the end of the year!!!

Dennis is accepting a job at a university in Fort Lauderdale, so we are planning a move to Florida in December/early January after I finish classes! So we are moving from one coast to the other! (Hallelujah, he's got a job!!)

I need to get rid of almost all that we have, because apparently it is ridiculously expensive to move things and we don't have a whole lot that's worth anything so I think I may be having adventures in craigslisting soon. (Seriously, it's like $4000 to move a two bedroom apartment from one side of the country to the other. Ridiculous).

When I first found out that we were moving, I was more afraid of the alligators and bugs than the hurricanes. I'm still worried about the wildlife but I'm glad we are moving to a warm climate. And it's cheaper to get flights to/from Chile to Miami then to Los Angeles so hopefully this means we can invite the girls out and even Dennis's mom.

updates!

I had a good birthday. I turned 27 on Wednesday. It wasn't as traumatic as my 26th birthday- I got a lot of love this year in the form of cards and online greetings and Dennis took me to a really really nice restaurant (Hawaiian fusion!). My Dad actually sent me flowers. They are gorgeous and moved me, considering the fact that Dad rarely even sends me a birthday card (he has a new girlfriend and I surmise that she is pretty awesome). Unfortunately said flowers have given me serious hayfever and allergic reactions. But I love and cherish them and am really really sad that they can't stay in our living room. (They are hiding in our guest room/office right now because I can't throw them away! My Dad bought me flowers!!)

I did break lent for my birthday but I had already decided that you can't blow candles out of an apple. You can't tell from this photo, but it's a chocolate souffle with a candle. And bananas foster on the side. (I can't even just have a little sugar on my birthday.)

On an unrelated note, we are still seriously talking about moving to Monterrey, Mexico. Don't anyone freak out because it highly depends on Dennis getting accepted to the PhD. program that he is applying for. I think he has good chances. Things like this have increased my stress level and I wonder if I might rename my blog to "ERIN FREAKS OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME-BLOG!"

So I'm trying to figure out how to get caught up and organized for life. Right now, school is a priority (one reason my blogs are few and far between and always end up like updates!) I need to make a resume. I registered the other day for my last classes in this degree that has taken FOR-EVER to finish and that was kind of a strange feeling. I imagine that I am not done with school yet, as I have started thinking about getting another degree (in what? not sure!).




Can I put LOL-speak on my resume?

Ode to bad wine...

It's from Argentina, which is good. In my opinion, South American wines are not as spicy as Californian wines. I should have read the label.

It has a hint of tobacco and chocolate. TOBACCO. I tasted this hint last, in the back of my throat and it lingers with you. So the wine tastes like your regular notspicy red wine with an interesting woodsy-definite berry flavor. And a bit of tobacco. I'm not a fan.

What you missed in the photo that I so artfully took with my camera phone, is the can of Pringles and the bottle of diet Dr. Pepper.

The good news is that I've kept to my lent about no sweets. Tomorrow (or today?) is a church potluck day so that will be my real test. Wine doesn't count as a sweet.

Milestones...

I belong to a forum for diabetics who are women and who are mothers or who want to be mothers. I'm not planning anything right now but it has been motivational for getting my health under control. Anyway, when your diabetes is under control, you tell everyone in the forum and they give you a dancing frog (so under 7.0 A1C). My A1C two weeks ago was a 7.8, which is the best I've ever had. It's a milestone and the forum members awarded me with a tadpole. I've been keeping it on my computer harddrive but I haven't been really keeping up with trying to do better. But posting it here might help me to stay focused (I've caved twice in the past week and had some french fries and I've decided to give up candy and cake, except for Mar.11 bday cake, for lent). I just feel like I have so many goals and things I have to do this year, and I think I've been putting the goal of being healthy on the backburner.

I got this email when I was wasting time on facebook (which very well might steal my soul). I'm going back to Japan so I've been raising money. I've reached my half way point, but I don't know how because I can think of 10 people that I know I need to talk to but that I have put off writing letters too. It's another goal.

I'm also taking Japanese, kind of. I'm sitting in on a class but I'm not really auditing it because I'm not paying for it, because the professor and his department have been really ridiculously graceful and generous. But tomorrow morning, there is an exam. I haven't studied and now I feel like I should talk to the professor and just ask him if I can not worry about this exam? I feel really bad, like I'm already wasting his time and like him grading my exam would be just worse. I feel like a flake.

Which brings me to my 10am midterm tomorrow morning. It's something else I haven't satisfactorily studied for. But I'm paying for this class, and I think I might be smarter if I studied and did well for it. But this is like the story of who I am as a student right now- I'm flaking on my studies and putting things off and hoping that I can just get by. It's not how I want to do things, and I'm probably being too hard on myself. I'm just really tired and stressed out.

Which brings me to my whole life right now. I finish school finally in December. My husband doesn't have a job and the US economy is not providing him with anything. We are talking about moving back to Chile or to another country, in general. Which freaks me out. The thought of moving to another country and changing my life so dramatically all by myself (with Dennis), so freaks me out that I feel like I'm almost paralyzed. It's like I'm sabotaging myself physically, spiritually, and scholastically because I'm terrified of the real world, of moving away, of the very very unknown. It's not that I don't have faith in God or in Dennis or in myself. It's that I'm just so anxious about this that I can't even concentrate properly. Me, who has to two hours early for a flight when they say be one hour early. Me, who has to show up 15-30min. early for a movie just because I want to pick the best seats possible. I turn into Godzilla if we miss one preview. Not knowing, not having a clue, not having any control.

I realize, as I type this, that this is what I'm doing. I'm so freaking out that I'm sabotaging myself. Which is absurd because I, of all people, know how amazing God is and how much things can change in one year. In less!

'Tis the Season...

'Tis the season for stressing out about papers. I have two papers that I have procrastinated on and one is due tomorrow evening. I have faith in myself, but I can't sleep because my papers are one thing that is going through my mind right now despite the sleep aids. This is what happened last night. I started freaking out about my term papers, especially the one due before Thanksgiving, and I spent the night working on it instead of sleeping.

Which has led me to believe and come to terms with the fact that I'm 26 and not 20 and that all-nighters are no longer feasible for me. I've also been thinking about how my undergraduate classmates stress so much about their grades. And I'm reminded that I really could care less about grades I received years ago so it doesn't really matter. The problem that I face is that in recognizing that my grades don't determine my self-worth, I find myself sometimes sliding into an apathetic and unmotivated academic attitude. If it doesn't really matter, why should I stress myself out. Unfortunately, stressing myself out at the last minute for things like papers is the key to my academic success. I always seem to triumph or at least slide by if I work up to the 11th hour.

My apathy towards school is really a symptom of a larger picture. Quite frankly, I have bigger issues in my life. Dennis isn't working, my hormones are freaking out, I'm worried about my dad, etc. And I am starting to think about life after school, where they really don't care what grade you got on a certain paper. I just don't want my apathy to turn into laziness and apathy in other aspects of my life.

So, I've been stressing myself out and thus I feel like garbage. Trying to pull an all-nighter didn't work and made me feel sick. So I was lying in bed listening to the rain outside, thinking instead about all the things that worry me. I'm worried about school. I'm worried about our future after I graduate. I'm worried about my diabetes. We want to have children, eventually, and I want to be healthy when we do that. In realizing that we will be moving a year from now, I am also realizing that "right around graduation" was when we keep telling people we will start trying to pop out kids. Which means I can no longer procrastinate and not take things like my blood sugars seriously. I have to care. So I find myself caring more about things like my diabetes than I do about my Old Testament Pentateuch class.

I can't sleep so much that I am actually trying to think of things to make for Thanksgiving. Typically, we get invited to a local family's house for the meal. Not family but church friends. This year we don't have invites and I'm actually a little relieved because in our early married years, we went to Denny's for Thanksgiving. A part of me (the part of me that is pushing towards being a real grown up), wants to make something on Thanksgiving. Not a turkey (we wouldn't eat it) but maybe some comfort foods (I'm thinking about deviled eggs, mashed potatoes, stuffing and a small small ham of sorts.) I'm debating on whether or not desert should be included as I am the only one who really eats sweets and Dennis isn't a big pumpkin fan. I'll figure it out but this is what is keeping me up at night.

Or my mind wanders to the stuff our church is doing for the poor people in the area and when they travel to Mexico. They have asked for blankets and I think I am going to give a bunch of blankets away. I came from a family that never ever through away blankets. I don't know why but blankets were just always valuable, even second-hand ugly and outdated ones. We have a few that we never use and don't need. I'm trying to downsize everything we own whenever I get the opportunity because as I've hinted earlier, we are probably moving.

According to Dennis, we will ideally stay in Southern California. It's the easiest way to move. He is looking at jobs in Florida and in Texas. If he cannot find any jobs, we are considering moving back to Chile. In Chile, Dennis can work as an online professor for a school in the states and get a job in Chile. Chile, as in every other place in the world, is economically freaking out. Someone needs to give my husband a job. We need health care and he needs to feel like he is providing again.

This list of things going on in my mind could go on forever. One of the things that I've been hearing again and again and trying to process is this idea of "God's timing". God waited until Sarah was 90 something before letting her have a baby. He waited YEARS before he got his people out of the desert to the actual Promised Land. And even after they arrived, they still had to fight for YEARS more to actually get the land. Things that happen in one or two verses in the Bible actually take a lot longer in real life. And so I'm told to be patient. God is all powerful and all knowing and has control and I just need to wait and have faith. It's just easier said than done. I can see, looking back on my life, times that I have felt God acting slowly and now those times seem to have gone by so fast. A week or even a year flies by and the person I was a year ago and the place we are in our life is just so different. But just every once in a while, it would be so nice to know for sure what is going to happen. More than what grades I'm going to get- where are we going to live? What will we be doing professionally? When will be start a family? I wish I could see God's plan instead of passively waiting on Him to act. It's frustrating and challenging and ever so easy to ask out loud "God, where are you? What are you doing? What is the point of this??"

Okay. I need to try to go back to sleep. I have to wake up early tomorrow to write this stupid paper.

Redemption Song...

Taken from Exodus 15. Cause we all need some salvation and deliverance.

I am a Christian because of old ladies.

Today after church, Dennis and I took photos with two of our most favorite women from church, to show to our readers in Japan. Both women have supported us financially but also spiritually, and not just in preparation for our mission trip to Japan. It got me thinking about how old women have shaped my faith and identity in Christ and in the Christian community. I want to be like these women when I grow up.

Before marriage, I think I probably ignored these women. But curiously, Dennis seems to attract them. At the church in Santiago, Chile he was always surrounded by old ladies at tea parties. One old lady (quite old)told me that I was lucky to have such a good young man. I noticed the way that my husband works with the elderly, men and women. He truly has a gift for communicating with old people in a way that makes them seem fun and fascinating. His best customers at the bank were the elderly, because he listens to them and befriends them. He sees them as contemporaries, instead of talking to them as though they were children. And my husband has the greatest gift for getting old people to talk about how things used to be. I've seen it, even in how he interacts with my grandparents, and it is one of my favorite things about Dennis as a person.

Thus post-marriage, we have as a couple become authentically friends with older people in our church and specifically widows (although not exclusively, as I can remember him talking in Spanish with the old Spanish professor way before he even knew the professor's wife, who would soon be a widow.)

I have learned that you can be faithful for decades, and you can find new insights into God even after decades. I've learned that even when life sucks- even when you aren't working, or when your spouse dies, that you move on and you do learn to live again. I've learned that my identity is not in Dennis, because of death, so that it is so very important to find my identity in Christ. Then, I will have the assurance that death is only one stage. There may be a time when all I have is my faith.

I have learned that family is sacred, from these women, who bake and raise money and are there to help students. These women shape part of the story of my church community and also shape why we go to our church, why we feel like this church is home, why we keep going.

I am thankful for the living proof that life goes on, that things work out, and that whatever I am going through right now (cough*unemployed husband*cough*economic recession*cough, cough) are just patches or stitches in the big picture. I know that it sounds corny or sentimental, but it is true. God is good, indeed.

It Is finished...

We bought my books for the summer class that starts on Monday and we bought the dress for my cousin's wedding. That is a lot of pennies spent on me.

The start of a really busy freaking summer is upon me. I have jury duty/summer school starting Monday. I break for a week and then go to New Mexico for my cousin's expensive wedding. And then a few days after that Dennis and I will go to Japan. (Actually after Japan, I see the summer being not so busy. Just work and teaching Sunday School on Sunday morning!)

This week was Pepperdine's Bible Lectureships. I heard a lot of the message that I need to depend on God, because my happiness is not to be found in things that I can buy or what I can do for my social status. So I know I am at the point where I must say, "I can only depend on God at this point." Because I am otherwise really stressing myself out and being rather hard on myself about our financial situation or fundraising for Japan or being the best mentor/maid of honor/cousin to my cousin. All I can ask is that God takes care of me and those things take care of themselves.

So I guess the title of this post is more than just the answer to "Jesus Christ's words on the cross". It is also the answer to "Erin freaking out about financial things and thinking that the world is going to end...".

I'm not freaking out. That is also finished. For today.

I ate eel today...

It was pretty good. Didn't taste as strange as I thought it would.

Today was day one of a two-day prep/devotional/encouragement/etc. for the Pepperdine teams traveling with LST: In addition to our team going to Japan, a team is going to Tanzania for 6 weeks, a team is going to Germany, and a team is going to a small town just outside of San Jose, Costa Rica.

The sushi was definitely awesome.
In addition, the ending devotional was awesome for its' challenge. We meditated on Psalm 23. I was challenged to lay my burdens before the Lord, who in theory at least, truly cares for me and meets my every need. It is so hard to accept that without panicking and doubting, especially when you are called to raise so much money. I was reminded that I am going because of my faith in God.

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

HodgePodge and JAPAN

So giving up celebrity gossip has been a challenge. I cannot understate this. I have not only officially given up the websites but also the TV shows. So I have NO IDEA what is going on with britney spears. I won't even look at the magazines.

It's like a bizarro world or something because at the same time that I'm being forced to spend less time online, Dennis is suddenly addicted to youtube. He figured out that he can find videos and music from the 80's (mainly) and he just does not stop. Unless Deal or No Deal is on TV. I'm trying to record him because it's so cute when he starts singing, and so dorky at the same time.



Which segways (segue?) into my next blog topic. Dennis and I are going to Japan! We've actually been working on it for a month and actually praying about it and starting the whole fundraising process in the past week. So we are actually officially going to Hachinohe, Japan. Hachinohe, according to google, is a small fishing town about an hour away from Tokyo. They have fish (so they live up to the town reputation I guess...) and a castle and a shopping mall. Today, we learned that we will have to wear slippers when we are indoors, and that they may not have diet coke.

So, we are going to Japan, for two weeks. We are going to stay in a church and help people learn English using the book of Luke. The goal is to help them with their English, not to baptize them. It's kind of an obvious point, but it is important because going to Japan based on my faith is kind of scary- am I Christian enough to do this? But when I think "but you aren't going to convert people! Just to form relationships! The words they read will affect them more than you!", I feel better. It's nothing I can do, on my own, but what God can do and in the experience and examples. I don't know if any of this makes sense but I am selfishly quite excited about being in the position of helping someone with his or her English, about getting to know people in a culture that I'm so unfamiliar with, and really what could I do in two weeks other than plant seeds. And probably, they will end up planting seeds in me.
And I am dying to see Dennis do Karaoke.

back to normal...

tomorrow class resumes (I don't have class on Wednesday so this is a grace for me!) I guess we are pretty much out of harm's way but they are suffering pretty bad in the South. Pacific Coast Highway is open again but I wouldn't want to be the person going to Pepperdine in all this traffic.

Today we held prayer, for the fire and also for people who need healing in our community. The church that burned down plans to rebuild, a preschool was lost, and the elementary school had damage to 2 classrooms. The person I visited and prayed for on this blog on Friday, passed away last night and I'm getting pretty sick of cancer now. His wife was not able to come to campus probably in part because of the fire.

FIRE!!!

In Chronological order. We were woken up at about 6:30am.




I think the blurs on the image are ashes. There was a lot of that.

sent 10/21/07 at 07:23am

The following is a message from Pepperdine University:

This is an emergency message from the Pepperdine EOC. There is a fire in Malibu Canyon near PCH. There is a second fire in Malibu Canyon near Piuma Road. Malibu campus student residents should remain in their residence halls. Faculty and staff residents of the Malibu campus should relocate to the Tyler Campus Center.


Sent 10/21/07 at 7:50am

The following is a message from Pepperdine University:

This is an emergency message from the Pepperdine EOC. All faculty, staff, and students on the Malibu campus are encouraged to relocate to the Tyler Campus Center or the Firestone Fieldhouse.

Sent 10/21/07 at 11:53am

The following is a message from Pepperdine University:

All Malibu campus students, faculty, and staff should be in the Tyler Campus Center, the Firestone Fieldhouse, or Payson Library. Remain at these locations and off the roads. Malibu campus events scheduled for today are canceled. At this time, no Pepperdine structures have been lost; although brush fires continue to burn around portions of the campus. Conditions can change rapidly. Please continue to adhere to Pepperdine official directions.


Sunday worship service in our pajamas, collectively. At least me in my pajamas. Obviously.


Sent 10/21/07 at 2:46PM

The following is a message from Pepperdine University:

Students and staff are encouraged to return to residence halls and homes on the Malibu campus and remain off roadways at this time. Members of the Malibu campus community should not leave campus. The Student Health and Counseling Centers will remain open until 9:00 p.m. tonight. Classes are canceled for the Malibu campus only, tomorrow Monday October 22. Classes at graduate campuses away from the Malibu campus will meet tomorrow. Classes will resume on the Malibu campus Tuesday October 23. Offices at the Malibu campus will be closed tomorrow, however, designated Critical Support Personnel should be in contact with their supervisor and/or their EOC contact and report to the Malibu campus accordingly on Monday. Conditions may change rapidly. Please stand by for updates.



Finally allowed to leave the gym and return to our apartments. Even though the fire is still 0% contained....
Those red dots are firemen. Less than a mile from where I live.

Sometimes all you can do is pray...

prayer beads
Originally uploaded by jonnybaker

Pray for release. Pray for deliverance. Pray for peace. strength, courage, mercy.


“For the Christian, heaven is where Jesus is. We do not need to speculate on what heaven will be like. It is enough to know that we will be for ever with Him.”
~William Barclay

Tonight, I was affirmed in my calling to be present even when I could only groan. That is God's grace. Even when I cannot find the words of sorrow and anguish, my tears and groans reach Him.

short answer: I'm back.

I came home on Sunday morning and it took me all week to feel adjusted. I'm like satin pants. I don't travel well. I wrinkle. I had homework and makeup exams and I needed to re-adjust.

First: I did eat a lot less in Chile. Not just walking a lot. But eating less. But it doesn't matter because I've finally learned that when Dennis is gone (he's coming back tomorrow morning), that I eat a lot of crap. Like apple turnovers.

Second: I took over 100 photos and left the camera with Dennis last Saturday night. But let's all recap: I'm a stepmother to two teens, 14 and 15. Dennis called me on Sunday because they decided to take photos without asking Dennis, and (of course), they ended up deleting ALL OF MY PHOTOS.

yes, I'm serious. I'm annoyed, I'm not lying. But it's also true that memories are more valuable than photos and hopefully Dennis took some photos after I left so I can show everyone how cute the children in Chile are and also how good my brother in law is. He is officially in CANCER REMISSION and acting on Chilean night time novelas too!

Oh man. Good photos were lost. I really enjoyed my week with Dennis's family and with his girls, (who ended up moving in with us for the week because in short, their mom is a bit psycho). That's the drama that I alluded to earlier but didn't have brain cells to write about. Basically, she threw them out because they were acting like teenagers and maybe because she was tired of being a mom and also maybe because she was jealous that we were all having fun and that the girls enjoy time with me and with their dad. So when I left, the girls were with Dennis's mom and we had just bought them their own bunk beds. But yesterday, in short, the courts decided that the girls should stay with their mother. I think it sucks that the girls were thrown into this whole mess and I'm having a more difficult time then ever understanding how mothers can act like children are pets to throw away (read: I am having problems giving grace or being graceful.) Brittney and the girl's mother. Lumped into the same category. I could write a whole lot on this. But maybe the first step is to stop talking about it. Prayers for Dennis and for the girls, as the girls have kind of been tossed around and because it hurts Dennis to see them suffer.

Chile was a great experience. Even with mentioned crisis, I had a great week. We went to the Chilean version of Disneyland ("Fantasilandia") and my GOD you have not LIVED until you are riding on a rollercoaster that goes upside down and really fast and you hear a loud noise from the breaks and you think a pin just might come out of the ride because they really aren't invested in safety.

Chilean public transportation is another thing. Santiago has this new bus system that really sucks. Basically there are like 5 buses for the whole city so there are like 50 people minimum waiting in line. And so the first female President in Latin America has dropped in approval ratings of 35%. Dennis was stuck in Santiago (we were 2 hours away), because he was in the middle of a protest.

Let's see. What am I forgetting. My stepdaughter Cristina- when given 5 minutes to take what she can from her house, her most treasured valuables are her hamster (who is suprisingly soooo cute!) and her Kelly Clarkson CD (that new one that everyone seems to hate). She is also really addicted to text messaging. So that's a universal teen thing.

It's really nice to know that you can make a 14 and 15 year old happy by spending a dollar on those glow bracelets that they sell in the US for rave parties and Halloween.

Yes, so I still hate Hebrew. Missing my husband. Feeling weird that I'm actually in a routine now of being alone.

I DID get a "family photo" of the four of us at Fantasilandia but it's on a button so I think I can scan it but I've never scanned a button before.

YESS!!!!

I can count on the snarky humor of web-comics (see sidebar) to give me what I need to write.

Between you, me, and Jesus. And the other people who read this, I am feeling pretty iffy on how the whole "me re-meeting Dennis's family after four years" thing is going down. I'm sure I've mentioned it. See, back in 2003, I was like a dream size 10. Oh man, I miss those days. I was also really sick and having some serious depression issues and always getting things like seizures and infections... but oh how I took my waistline for granted. Anyway, even then I felt fat. Because in Argentina, the women are all a size 7 and under. And in Chile, they might find you a size 9.

I mean, then it wasn't so bad. And my obsession with various junk foods over the past year especially hasn't been so helpul. And I keep thinking "stop it. Your mother in law is not shallow. His family loves you." blah blah blah. Dennis loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. And when I am with him, I feel beautiful. But his ex-wife was a freakin' underwear model. Yes, she was a model 15 years ago pre-babies. And yes, I cheer inside because I've "beat her" on the age card (yes! I've got NO wrinkles!!!). Dennis doesn't understand why there is this part of me that I'm trying to kill off, that can't help but feel like I'm competing with his ex-wife. I don't even know what I'm competing for or if I'm competing by myself. I'm the one Dennis is married to. I'm afraid in part, that people will see "fat" and think "weakness of character" even though that's like the one thing I can think of that would really show weakness of character.

So I've been mentally beating myself up about this for about a month, and it's not easier when Dennis is gone and the apartment is super quiet and I've got my thoughts to wrestle with. I'm a good person. I'm genuine. And I genuinely like all of Dennis's family. I love his mom and I love the girls and I love the quirks of the chilean family that is so close and yet so distant. I love his family. And I'm worthy of their love and respect. So I need to leave the self-destructive-thinking Erin at home in Malibu. With the heavy shoes.

Prayers for me, that I love myself. And that I pat myself on the back for a change, instead of beating myself up. And prayers that even though I will probably be so nervous about seeing everyone, that I can relax once we've seen each other again because they are excited to see me and don't care about my cellulite. It's not like I'm going in a bikini.

(Seriously, this whole blog-tangent started because I was lying in bed thinking "It's a 13 hour flight to Chile. God, the first thing I'm going to need when I get off the plane is gonna be a diet coke and some of those Chilean bon-bons...")

Ten Things I'd Save in a Fire...

Dennis is currently en route to Amsterdam for the first part of his European trip for school (Germany, Slovenia, Poland, Italy...) I told him to take photos of beer being sold at a German McDonald's.

Anyway, Ten things I'd save in a fire...: (Ten seems like a lot!)

1. My Mom and Sister's ashes.
2. My wallet
3. My cell phone
4. Our passports
5. Any Immigration/Tax Files (is that 2 things?)
6. Our laptops.
7. photos.
8. The teddy bear that was with my sister at the hospital when she died.
9. The pearls that my mom gave me for my wedding.
10. One of my shawls from Chile. In case it gets cold.

Traveling Mercies to my husband, who is crossing the Atlantic Ocean for the first time. He didn't bring anything for the flight so I pray he isn't bored and that he gets some sleep. I pray for him as he is on this trip, which will without a doubt change his life and shape his journey. I pray God brings him home safely and soon but that he takes up each moment that he has in Europe.

Faith, Hope, and Love...

this is my new desktop background. I am thinking a lot about how short and precious life is. I would like to explain this tomorrow when I am not so sleepy.

Family Versus School...

Prayer Request:

Dennis wants to go to Chile for 2 weeks at the end of September/the beginning of October. It's something I've been blogging about a little bit because I'm excited about leaving the country and really excited about seeing his family again. This would mean missing 2 weeks of school.

I talked to one of my professors, and he wasn't mean but he was against the idea, understandably. The question is, should I go to Chile or stay and not miss school?

I feel like I really should go- it would mean a lot to Dennis if I was with him while he sorts out things with the girls and visiting his family. It would mean a lot to both of us to see his brother, who has been sick with cancer. I feel like, in the long term, it would be more damaging to my relationships with my husband and with his family if I chose to stay because of school. But school is very important to me and I can also rationalize how missing school would be an error. My brother-in-law is very sick but he isn't dying. I really want to visit with my step daughters but I would feel just awful to miss class, mainly because I really don't want to disappoint the professors that have influence on my grades and even eventually whether or not I pass the exams to get my degree. It is just two weeks and I am really struggling with how to either tell my family that I cannot make it, or tell my professors that I cannot be the student that I wish I was. I haven't missed this much school in years. It feels like Family vs. School. I can rationalize both ways and I am going to pray about it for a few days. He hasn't bought the tickets yet but this is the best time for Dennis to go even though it isn't for me. We are going to try to see if we can move the travel time to be around holidays but it looks like this will be Dennis's best window for traveling, for his job. One of the things that sticks in my head is that I haven't seen my Chilean family in 4 years. It is a lot easier to travel to family in the states and there is a possibility that it will be another 4 years before I get another chance, which is meaningful if my brother in law continues to be ill.


So, I would really appreciate any advice (I keep waffling on what to decide) and prayers for me and for Dennis, to make the wisest decisions. Ever the humanitarian, I am so afraid and so I do pray that I make a wise decision with courage.

Round 3: Erin Vs. DMV

Tomorrow (Tomorrow Tomorrow....)

I have to get this license. I have to. Because it's the last chance that I've got. (you only get three chances before you have to start the whole process.)

So Dear God and DMV people:
Have pity on me. I need this. I know that having a license does not define me as a person. I know that if I fail tomorrow that I will just have to start it all over again and eventually I will be a licensed driver. But honestly, I know I can do this and I know that I am prepared to drive. I am a safe driver.
I need to drive to the grocery store. I need to be able to drive my husband to the hospital. I need to be able to drive around just however. I'm not saying I want to drive around in heavy L.A. traffic. I don't want to drive to Vegas. I just want to drive to the grocery store.

So I need prayers and good thoughts. Prayers that I am brave and courageous and calm during the exam and that my instructor goes easy on me. And prayers that if I fail, that I don't lose my mind.

dude...

I am blogging under the much needed influence of vicodin and a pain shot (toridol or something like that.)

Basically, I didn't sleep much last night. Again. There was a lot of crying and if ever there was a desire for alcohol, it was last night. But you can't mix alcohol and xanax. And I really don't want to end up over dosing. So I just spend my night in pain. At around 5am, I called the doctor "on call" from my doctor's office.

There are two doctors where I go. The really nice younger girl who is compassionate and patient. And the old man who is kind of sketchy (like giving gyno-exams without nurses present sketchy.) This is the old man who diagnosed my ear infection on Wednesday and prescribed ear drops that didn't work. And then yesterday, he prescribed even stronger antibiotics. But the thing is, (and I've forgotten this because I haven't had an ear infection since like baby-hood), that ear aches hurt like hell. So I called the doctor's office, had someone paged, and God is so good that the female doctor happened to be the doctor on call. She said that we could come in first thing or go to the ER. We decided to skip ER because a)it's like an hour away and b) you wait for HOURS in the ER.

They saw me fairly quickly, I asked for the nice girl doctor, and pretty much cried into her arms. It helps that she's pregnant and she Dennis's doctor. This ear ache feels like, basically, the whole right side is numb and full of pressure and like knives stabbing me all at the same time. So I said "look, please give me a pain shot here. And don't skimp on it either. I don't want to feel anything. If you are going to give me say 25 cc, add another 50 cc). And so she gave me a nice shot in the ass, a second huge shot of extra antibiotics, and extra strength vicodin.

I'm not saying that I endorse Anna Nicole Smith-Lindsay Lohan- Brittany Spears Malibu Rehab starlet behavior. But I could not sleep last night. And right now, I'm not going to lie, I feel a lot better. Still feel my ear, not comotose as I might wish to be, but let's be rational. I didn't need morphine for an earache.

And this is probably one of the most fun blog posts I've ever made. Or at least the most interesting to do. (Literally, I was thinking on the drive home from the doctor's office "how cool would it be to blog about how good these pain meds feel?"

I mean, 2 hours ago, I was SOBBING in the doctor's office. I was begging Jesus and the doctor for mercy, I was saying the Lord's player, I was desperate. I kind of feel like this is one of those blog entries where I am now praying that no one reading this blog entry thinks I'm a vicodin addicted Malibu resident. Because, bloody hell, this ear ache is the devil. Just wish me lots of relief. And my next blogs will be more coherant. This is where I pray that anyone reading my blogs, is just totally understanding... And now I am so rambling...