mental housekeeping...

there are some things I need to get down in words.

First, the facebook photo situation has been resolved: My nephew complained that he hates this photo. I can relate. People have photos of me tagged where I look like a fat cow. But maybe I was looking at this from the most selfish of all angles. My nephew is a young college kid who needs as many facebook photos of himself where he looks cool as he can get, because he is a young kid in college. It all makes perfect sense. So, I have conceded. I removed his name from the photo and he is no longer tagged. But I keep my photo online. Those are my terms and we are no longer in negotiations. (At least, I'm no longer negotiating).

Second, my brain is mush. I have finals this upcoming week and while these are mainly papers, this is where my focus of attention is resting. I need this week, at least until after Tuesday at midnight, to focus on school. Hence, the following open letter is necessary:
Dear husband,
Apologies, because I cannot be bothered until I finish my assignments. I have, literally five brain cells and they are all on school. So this means I am not going to have time to clean out the spare bedroom so my brother is at home when he visits on Friday. It will get done but maybe not to your satisfaction. Oh well. My brother is quite possibly the messiest bachelor ever so I'm sure he will not mind.

I'm also not in a position to care about cooking. I'm eating a salad and that alone deserves applause. Do NOT give me "that" look when I eat a few oreos. I'm stressing out majorly and a few oreos are not going to kill me. Yes, I know I had a panic attack last week about how I was feeling fat and I'm such an idiot for not caring better about what I eat. And I fully expect you to react as you did last week, by being supportive and helpful. Do not act like the food police when I decide to binge and have 3 oreo cookies as a reaction to my body's natural cortisol production as a response to stress.

Also, don't freak out because I am also coincidentally very absentminded right now. As I said, I have FIVE brain cells functioning right now. So if I mess up dates and times or forget words, lay off.

Finally, keep on with the supportive hugs and such. You are the best ever and the source of my sanity.

Much love,
your wife, who wishes she was really always right.

Out of the mouths of babes....

Hurrah! to one very politically-minded 7 year old for her open letter to Barack Obama. I am biased because I think her parents are awesome but even if she was voting for McCain, I really appreciate that she is even thinking of who should be president at the age of 7. Kudos, parents, for talking to your kids about what is going on in the news.

I'm not sure about my grandpa either. (Actually, I'm pretty sure he's not voting for Obama because he votes based on who he would rather have a beer with.) But I do appreciate that I have always been able to openly talk about many political issues with my family and I have really good memories with my mother where we talked about political issues.

Oh Madonna, no.

Dear Madonna:
Please go away. Just go away and retire and stop showing up in public with Justin Timberlake. These shoes are ridiculous, you will only wear them once, and they probably cost as much a month of rent in Los Angeles. Just stop. Guns? Really?

Thanks,
Erin

New Paint Outside.

It's a late posting but let's vent for a sec.

Pepperdine University, how I love thee. But seriously you have this uncanny knack for picking rough times for construction. Like for the past month, starting the same weekend as the Law School Graduation, you decided to paint our outside walls. So we had to keep the windows shut. In the summertime. Oh you, you sure do know how to pick the perfect time!!! I know we can rent fans from your Housing Office, which is sweet, but I'd really like to put my window air-con unit back up!!

Anyways, Friday morning was hilarious. I was already busy taking care of kidney-stone-man when I looked out of my window and saw this guy. What the Hell, Pepperdine. Can I not walk into my living room without some random guy painting outside? Like right outside of my freaking window??? It's kind of creepy. Really, Dennis and I actually thought we should do some kind of acrobatic routine or something to entertain him. Defo fish-bowl effect. WTG.

He did smile when he realized I was taking photos, though. At least you hire nice creepy guys to paint outside of my living room. Glad I was wearing real pajamas!!!

I'm a bad Maid of Honor. Maybe.

I have been putting off the bridesmaid dress purchase for my favorite cousin (and my only girl cousin). It's $180 plus extra for a special sash and I hate bringing this up with Dennis, and I hate thinking about it, and I now really wish my cousin would have fallen in love with something a hundred bucks cheaper.

According to David's Bridal- I called two separate stores- if I order the dress this week, it will arrive the week before the wedding. Which is fine. Unless I need alterations. Which I wasn't planning on needing, and I don't know how big of a deal they are. One of my good friends who just had her own wedding and is a bridesmaid, and who is familiar with the store, said it takes less time than the store gives you.

So, it's just a pain. I have to go to the store to make sure that I fit- I've lost a little weight since I tried the dress on last. And the nearest store is like 45 minutes away.


I suppose all of this would be different if I felt a little more connected to what is going on with the bride. I am her maid of honor, and yet I have no idea what is going on in this wedding. I have no idea who the other bridesmaid is (there are only 2 of us). I don't know if she expects a bridal shower the day before the wedding (I will try to throw a bachelorette party...) And I have no clue what she wants, because she isn't registering. I don't know anything about the wedding, and I am just annoyed and frustrated. I can't make e-vites because most of her friends don't even have internet connection.

To all future brides:

Please communicate with your bridesmaids, especially if they are out-of-state. Please think of them when you are thinking of the dress. Think about the costs, think about the location- if you are having your wedding outside in a ghost town in New Mexico in the summer, pick a summery dress. Not a big-ass ballgown in black. (Actually, it was my suggestion to do black for myself as I am the Maid of Honor. But now that there are two of us, I suppose I could have stayed with red).
Just. Look, I know you are stressed out with life. Job, school, family. I get it. And I know that throwing a wedding isn't cheap. But if you don't communicate with your Maid of Honor, she might start to freak out.
Also, if you choose inexpensive options, you can do more. You probably will get better gifts too. I know you don't want to hear us say "I will look for the dress on EBay" (note: not what I have said or done) but you can't blame us after we fork over money for everything else.

Also, seriously, after all of this, you better not get divorced. And if you get remarried, do it in Vegas.

Thanks,
Erin

An Apology....

Dear Breasts,

After viewing THIS bounce-o-meter, I must apologize. I had no idea the irreversible damage that I was causing you guys. I have not made you a priority, I admit. I mean, we have a pretty good relationship. But I should invest in better sportswear, instead of spending the money on another pair of pants or flip-flops or whatever. I guess I've always thought that you know, I'm not in my thirties yet. And there is still time. You know, I don't have gray hair or anything...
Anyway, the bounce-o-meter was hypnotic and gross. I had no idea. Permanent tissue damage. Yikes.

So, I don't know honestly when I will follow through with this, but I'm thinking of you guys. Hang in there.
Sincerely and with love,
Erin

PS: I know I never refer to you as "breasts". Not even to my doctor. So, it's just because you know, this is a serious letter about health and permanent damage, and I thought you deserved a respectful opening line...

Dear people who sell the pill....

Dear people who sell the pill:
Or Dear Aetna or Dear people in control of US Health insurance:


It is really annoying that not only do I pay a large sum just to have medical insurance, but that something like the birth control pill is not available for cheaper. What had cost me 10 bucks a year ago, now costs $20, costs some women $40, and I could get in Chile for the equivalent of $2. Over the Counter. (The irony of me being able to buy birth control over the counter in Chile, where abortion is illegal and where divorce has been legal for less than 5 years, is not lost on me.)

Please kindly make the pill a little bit easier to get, so that I don't have to do things like rely on calendars. Also, please note that it would be healthcare-wise financially in my best interest (according to a representative from one of Los Angeles' public hospitals), to become pregnant and therefore be eligible for free healthcare, than to be a responsible and stable 25 year old student who would rather put babymaking on hold for a few years. I have, yes, been told that I should get pregnant in order to get health coverage.

The $20 is better than the much more that I would spend if I was unexpectedly or expectedly pregnant BUT it is STILL 20 bucks I would much rather spend on food.


Thanks,
Erin

Don't be fooled.

I just saw a commercial for "The Buxton Over the Shoulder Organizer". It's claims are genuine leather and organization so perfect, that you can find things in your purse blindfolded! Gone are the days when you have to dump out your purse to find your cellphone!

Dear Buxton Bag Makers:
I am not fooled. Let us begin with your claim that your bag is real leather for only $19.99. Real Leather Is NEVER $19.99 (what part of the bag is "real leather"? the strap?)

You also claim that this "chic" bag looks great with any outfit.
I can promise you that you will NOT see anyone with any sense of fashion (actually I can think of Melanie Griffith wearing this... But definitely not Angelina Jolie or Nicole Kidman) wearing this bag. This bag screams "my grandma will totally love this for Christmas".

Lastly, you claim that this amazing bag organizes everything. Your commercial shows a pretty blond and blindfolded model picking up a pair of glasses from the purse. How many takes did it take for the blonde to pick up the glasses blindfolded? Was there anything else in the purse or did you make it easy for her? Yes I went there. I just went there. My point is that if you gave me this purse, I can guarantee you that I will still end up searching around for my keys and my cellphone.

Just call it what it is.
Thanks,
Erin

Seriously???

Dear Ex-Driver of Britney Spears:
Could you please reconsider quitting the job because seriously, Los Angeles would be a safer place if more of you stuck it out in the jungle of the city with Brittany and her kids, instead of letting her drive by herself. If she runs a red light and/or cuts me off at an intersection in Malibu, I'm blaming you, Pal. Thanks. All you had to do was the late night taco bell runs. It's better than her texting, driving with sunglasses at night, and running red lights. Jeez. Man-up.
~Erin


Dear Britney,
Are you serious? Your driver quit because you are a liability?? What do we have to do to have someone drive you and your kids around? I mean, my DAD could and would do this for free. What kind of irritating-ness are you exactly doing to cause your new driver to quit? Could you maybe send someone OUT to bring you Taco Bell? Couldn't you stay INSIDE for a while??? I mean, it probably is frustrating to drive surrounded by paparazzi and flashing lights. Just try? Please?? Also, wearing sunglasses at night is not cool. It's a song from the 80's but it's not literal. Let it go.
Thanks,
~Erin

video of why Britney needs a driver: http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid353549946/bctid1323271143

the good and the bad.

I heart Renee Zellweger. Because if anyone could play me in a movie, I'd choose her for real. And my Chilean neice said that I kind of look like the Bridget-Jones-version of her. "
So:

Dear Renee:
First, Can I call you ne-ne?
Second, I think you can tell collectively from around the world, that pretty much no one likes your new haircut. I don't know who cut it for you and who said it would be a good idea, but it's kind of just a weird shape, you know? And it brings out our features in the way I don't like- the first photo makes everything look so hard and I know that you probably would look less intimidating/pissed off if your hair was softer. I don't know. It just doesn't suit me. It's like you are trying to out-posh Posh Spice, who is the only one I've seen get away with something so dramatic. And I should tell you because I care.
Third, The good news is that you aren't gothic anymore like you were when you were dating the guy from The White Stripes. And I'm paying more attention to your hair, than your body. Which is also good because I personally find it annoying that so many people criticize you for fluctuating etc. and sometimes getting too freakishly skinny.
Finally, what is up with the UK Daily Mail saying you are "ruddy-faced". What does that even mean? Does that mean that I am "ruddy-faced" too? I say, no you are just really cute and you make really cute expressions and pouts in your roles. Don't change. Just change your hair. or just don't cut it so short.

Blessings,
Erin Calderon

Open Letter to Hubby...

Dear Beloved Husband,
I really want to change cell phone providers. And get a new cellphone. I know that it is not a priority, but Cingular really sucks. And I know that I don't need and probably won't use the camera part of the phone. But I would like very much to have a new phone. And this is something to help both of us. Your phone is a dinosaur. Really really old. Change it please. I'm tired of dropped calls and missed calls and a half a bar in my office.
Our 2 year contract ended at the beginning of the month. And I know you are avoiding this issue of changing providers and phones, like the plague. I get that shopping for phones to you is like going to the dentist for me. I also know that we are stressed financially because you are starting your business and because your ex has the nerve to ask for a raise in child support after ignoring her daughters and leaving them with you for two weeks (speaking of, yes, we both find it odd that even though the court ruled that they should stay with their mother that they are right now unofficially living with her parents and yet she wants more money...)
And so I get that cell phones are not number one on your list. But you've been gone a while and I was really looking forward to cellphone buying with you when you returned.
I'm selfish, I know. I've been wondering lately why I a)am having a cynical and mean outlook towards people in general instead of being nice and graceful and b)why I feel like I don't deserve grace.

But that's besides the point. You are sleeping right now and I am so glad you are home again. Thanks for helping me study for my Hebrew quiz. You are the best husband ever.

Love always,
Erin